Black Shadows: Why You Aren’t Attracting Your Dream Partner


What would you suggest is the best way to ask for a potential lover?

That is the question that Henk Schram received from one of his readers. As the answer to this question, he wrote his short book “General Perspective on Relationships”. It is one of the 3 books that Henk has written to help you understand how to apply the Law of Attraction in your life.

I want to share my notes from reading this book. I’ll also share my answers from doing the exercises.

What about relationships?

According to the book, opportunities for growth appear through the people we meet. The relationships that we shape in our lives is a reflection of who we are inside. Each person is a mirror reflection of an aspect of yourself. They show you something you need to be aware about.

The book also says that this ‘reflection’ doesn’t lie. It shows you what you need to face. Problems occur in relationships when you think that the mistake lies completely in the other person. The truth is, you’re completely responsible for your relationships, whether it’s healthy or toxic.

In my experience, it’s very difficult for you to realize how responsible you are. It’s much easier to place the blame on someone other than yourself. Because when you put the blame on you, it makes you know you have plenty of work to do.

However, if you want better relationships, you have to take responsibility. How can you apply this knowledge to create better relationships?

Become aware of your shadow

The main cause of all problems in your relationship is lack of love for yourself. All the love you receive from the people around you stem from a love for yourself.

I once attended a relationship seminar. The trainer said that every person has a “black shadow”. This shadow is a subconscious trauma, often coming from past experiences. Whenever someone you know reflects this trauma back at you, you start to resist, suppress your emotions, and build up tension inside.

Because of this tension, you react defensively or even violently. Among my friends, I actually notice this behavior of defensiveness and reactiveness. It’s when they over react or get easily angry because someone did or said something that reflects their trauma.

Before you can start to build healthier relationships, you have to take a look within to see what is being shown. It’s very difficult to let go of the programmed emotional response you have been building for years, but self awareness can really help. Practicing simple self awareness makes you aware that you are being controlled and not the one who is in control.

Without self-awareness, these opportunities to grow are missed. The danger is you keep living with the same issues over and over again, until you can grow beyond them. How can you avoid this? What can you do to increase your self-awareness?

How to attract your “dream partner”

Here is an exercise from the book.

Step #1

If you want to find the “partner of your dreams”, or make better the relationship you are in, create a list of the criterias you want in a partner. If you’re already in a relationship, this list will help you figure out whether your partner is truly the person you want to be with.

Step #2

Even so, this is not the most important part of the exercise. The important part lies in asking yourself:

What are the qualities I need to attract this person into my life?
What do I need to change about myself?

Doing this exercise will help you discover what mindset shifts and actions you need to take.

Step #3

It’s difficult to attract your “dream” partner without being a better person yourself. In my case, I want to attract a partner who is open, honest, and authentic. A person who expresses herself freely. I realized, in order to attract a person like this, I have to be more open and honest myself.

This is just one of the ways you can create better relationships in your life:

  1. First, you become aware of any shadows that sabotage your relationships
  2. Then you get clear on what it is you truly want from a relationship
  3. Finally, you realize that to get what you want, you actually have to give it first

This is the best way to ask for a potential lover.

Read the story of how I overcame shyness using Crack Your Egg techniques
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